Illumination: Edward's Meadow
by Rhian0000
Summary: "Today she would see a new side of me; today I would be honest – I owed her that. I would let her see me for what I am, even if it would take her away from me." Twilight's Meadow scene from Edward's point of view. Covering the whole day in three parts.
1. Chapter 1

*****This story has been nominated for a Hidden Star Award for Best Non NC-17 Story. The whole idea is that lesser-known stories can have a chance at winning an award. This is a big first for me. So if you enjoyed it please make my day and vote between the 10th and 14th of September. The link is on my profile page.*****

**Hello all,**

**Thank you for joining me for Edward's meadow – I do hope you enjoy.**

**No copyright infringement intended. Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer, as are Edward and Bella, I'm just experimenting with them while I try to write.**

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**Illumination: Edward's Meadow**

**Part I: The Day Dawning**

Bella was sleeping peacefully tonight. Too peacefully.

Her face was relaxed in slumber, her full lips slightly parted in repose. She did not stir nor utter a single word – to my great disappointment.

Bella's sleep-talking was my window into her thoughts; my only window, save for her warm expressive eyes. I was learning to read her better everyday; the little tells in her expression, the furrow that would appear between her brows when she was deep in thought, the patterns in her breathing and heart-rate that I could more easily distinguish. It was all becoming clearer, I thought, with no little satisfaction.

But no matter how much I could decipher in her expression or how many of my questions she would answer I could never fully know the workings of her mind. It was maddening and painful to think that I couldn't access the one mind I truly wanted to.

_But did I really want to know what she thought of me?_

Bella now knew what I was and she wasn't afraid, wasn't repulsed. That was a miracle in itself. But she hadn't really seen me yet; she didn't know what I was capable of, what I'd done. She was an innocent incapable of imagining the monster in me. I never wanted her to. I would make sure she never saw the monster. I _would_ make myself safe for her.

Watching her sleep I couldn't help but _want_. Want it all. Want her. I wanted to know her thoughts, the unconscious murmurings that I was being denied tonight. I felt deprived. Although, _depraved_ might have been a more apt description for me; a vampire stalker creeping into a young girl's room at night.

_What am I doing? Am I seriously contemplating some sort of relationship with her?_

This behavior was beyond selfish. It was dangerous, life-threateningly dangerous. Cruel even, cruel of me to take her time, to spend what time I could with her knowing that I had nothing more to offer, that I would have to leave her someday. A day that would come much too soon. The thought choked me.

But what I was more aggrieved by at that moment was the reason for Bella's too peaceful sleep. I could smell it on her skin, in her blood; the distinctive smell of Tylenol. Was she ill? She had seemed well when I'd left her yesterday afternoon. Could she have taken ill so suddenly?

I looked at her intently, even more so than usual. She looked the same; her breathing low and even, her heart beating softly, slowed down in sleep. It was such a wondrous sound. I was becoming attuned to it.

I had promised myself that I would not make any more mistakes. If I was to be with her, I must make myself safe. It was a promise I had repeatedly broken in my desire to touch her. But I touched her now without guilt.

The cold skin of my hand made contact with her forehead and she didn't even move. Worried was not the word. She should have stirred a little surely? If I had a heartbeat, it would have been racing in my panic. But she was a normal temperature for a human, not that I was accustomed to much human contact. Not that I should be touching her now.

My fear eased as my hand caressed her brow. I was utterly distracted by the feel of her skin, like silk over glass… I felt her heat radiate into my hand. I found my fingers trailing slowly down her face, savoring the feeling of her skin on mine, touching as lightly as if she were a soap bubble.

She did not stir. Not once. Her stillness and silence perturbed me. I focused on her heartbeat to try to assuage the feeling akin to nausea taking residence in my gut.

The previous night, I'd had to leave her room because of her restlessness. She had woken and talked in her sleep in turns. I'd had to settle for hearing her movements from the exile of her garden, lest she wake and see me. I had felt more like a stalker than ever, yet here I was back tonight.

I needed to be around her tonight, I reasoned to myself. I needed to breathe her in, in preparation for tomorrow. I was full, having glutted myself on animal blood – elk found easily in the park. But nothing compared to Bella's blood and nothing lessened my yearning for it.

Her scent clouded the room; everything in there covered with her smell, including me. With her warmth surrounding me, seeping into me, I felt wrapped in her.

I took a deep breath through my nose. Her blood was the most glorious aroma I had ever known. My body still urged for it; my muscles tensed, my throat burned, my mouth filled with venom. But it was manageable. The monster in me was in a closely guarded cage. Closely guarded, I reminded myself, because he was volatile and could escape at any moment.

I despaired as the venom that coated my tongue trickled slowly down my throat. I loved her yet my body revolted and cried for her blood. I moved away from her, disgusted with myself, and took my usual seat in the rocking chair. I had no right to touch her, no right to breathe the same air as her. But I stayed. I could not leave.

I sat waiting for dawn, anxious about the day to come but also eager to live it. I couldn't suppress the feeling of excitement, part of me didn't want to and it sickened me. Watching Bella's small sleeping form in the dark that was not dark to me, Alice's old vision came to haunt me. The sight of Bella's lifeless, bloodless body in my hands… I couldn't put into words the horror it roused. Words could not describe it. It felt like physical pain. But no, that would not was an old vision, invalid now. I could never hurt her.

I was improving, getting better at resisting my urges; the urges that had me imagining the taste of her blood. But the new, unfamiliar urges that had me imagining the feel of her silken skin beneath my lips were getting more out of control by the minute.

I resisted both urges all night and left just as the sun began to rise. It was still overcast but Alice had said to expect the sun after noon. I had hoped that the run home would clear my mind. It didn't. I'd never felt so confused. My mind worked quickly, efficiently, but I was rife with indecision and the surge of unfamiliar feelings had me reeling; my thoughts disjointed and contradictory as though they were not my own.

As I approached the house I heard the hum of thoughts within. I ran in quickly to change, not wanting to meet anyone, and left immediately. I didn't want to hear in the minds of my brothers that they were betting on whether Bella would survive the day. But I did. I fumed silently, wanting to put as much distance as possible between them and me and be as close to Bella as I dared. I headed off at full speed.

As I left, leaves rustling in my wake, I heard Alice's mental voice calling out to me, a bright image filling my head – Bella standing in the middle of the meadow, her hand held out invitingly, a warm smile on her face.

_It's going to be fine, Edward, _she thought. _Have a lovely day. Tell Bella I said "Hi"_.

With a smile on my face I sped towards my love. I snorted at Emmett – never bet against Alice. I even allowed myself a chuckle. But just as I was going out of range, I heard Alice again, _Be careful, it's not a hundred percent._

I had been filled with doubt, a doubt that continued to harass me, but Alice's latest vision gave me hope for the day to come. I was still anxious, as today would be the decider of whether I could be with Bella in the way that I wanted. It was time to lay me heart on the line and spill my secrets. Then I would know if she wanted me as I wanted her, even if she had just a fraction of the strength of my own feelings. I knew that she did feel something for me, she wouldn't be agreeing to this if she didn't. But how much did she feel?

Today she would see a new side of me. Today I would be honest – I owed her that. I didn't want to scare her – the thought was abhorrent to me – but I needed to show her what I looked like in the sunlight. I would brave her horror and disgust. I would let her see beyond my predator lures. If she was to feel anything for me, it would be for the real me. I would let her see me for what I am, even if it would take her away from me and the choice would be hers. I tried in vain not to view today as my first and last day with Bella. My dead heart ached.

As I neared the Swan home I heard Charlie leaving, his thoughts turned to fishing, his activity for the day. Clearly, Bella's stubborn streak was in play for she had not told Charlie of our revised plans. I let out a low growl. How could I keep her safe when she was so determined to be in danger? At least Jessica knew that Bella would be with me, that would help.

I arrived early so I stayed in the woods near the house and listened to her morning. I could hear her stir in her sleep, a contrast to when I had left, and I could pinpoint the moment she woke because her breathing quickened and her heartbeat accelerated. Was she anxious or excited about today? Maybe both, like I was..?

She hurried around the house; clothes rustling, breakfast dishes clanging, water running in the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of her twice as she peeked nervously through the window.

_Anxiety or excitement?_

I walked to the front door as the noises quieted and our agreed time arrived. I walked slowly for me and knocked lightly, taking a deep breath – it was now or never.

_Please, please, don't be never_.

Could I ever be the man I wanted to be for Bella? I fervently hoped so and vowed once again that I _would_ keep her safe, not knowing if I could keep that promise. She fumbled with the door-latch, taking a while to open the door. I would have found it amusing were it not for my black mood.

_Nervousness or enthusiasm?_

She looked calm enough once I could see her; bright enough that it appeared that my worries for her health had been unfounded. Apart from the serious health-risk I posed, of course.

However, my mood lightened considerably when I saw what she was wearing.

"Good morning," I said with a chuckle.

Bella looked at me perplexed, which made me smile wider.

"What's wrong?" she asked, looking down at herself but not seeing the joke.

"We match," I explained.

Her expression turned from confused to one of amusement when she saw that we were similarly dressed in white shirts, tan sweaters and jeans. Though her look was marred by a hint of sadness that I couldn't place. Was she worried that I'd harm her?

She had her keys in her hand and a satisfied smirk on her face as she headed towards her truck. The fact that we were to take her rusted decrepit truck had me grinding my teeth but I tolerated it, it was worth it for her forgiveness the other day. If things were going to be on her terms, I would have to accept taking her lead. I hoped I'd get the opportunity to get used to it.

Bella looked quite pleased with herself as she reminded me, "We made a deal."

I worried about Bella's driving skills – her coordination was terrible. I'd witnessed that often enough and she was so prone to danger… At least her old truck was sturdily built.

She got in and leaned over to open my door – no central locking, obviously.

"Where to?" she asked, looking at me expectantly.

"Put your seat belt on – I'm nervous already."

She threw me an angry kitten glare as she fastened herself in.

"Where to?" she sighed.

"Take the one-oh-one north."

I watched her as we drove. I couldn't take my eyes from her. I occasionally glanced at the road that was passing by slowly beneath us. Bella was driving very carefully and I supposed I should be grateful that she was responsible, in some things at least. To brighten my mood and ease my anxiety I teased her about it, knowing that she would defend her truck. She didn't disappoint.

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather – have some respect," she quipped.

I found it funny that she was pulling the age card, even if it was in relation to our respective vehicles. She has no idea that I was older than her ancient truck. I would tell her if she wanted to know, if she still wanted to speak to me after today.

The only conversation was my directions and Bella's questions about where we were going. I kept tight-lipped. I merely told her where to turn and that we'd be driving to the end of the road where we'd find a trail. I had no intention of taking the trail; I planned to take my usual direct route to the meadow. Bella would learn enough today, more than any human ever had and avoiding her questions gave me an impish glee, especially given Bella's thinly veiled curiosity.

I could hear her naked panic when it transpired that we'd be hiking, but as I'd predicted, she denied it. I had secretly hoped that I would get to carry her; hoping, yet knowing that I should not seek excuses to touch her. Of course I also knew she'd refuse – how she prized her independence.

Either way, it wouldn't be sunny until later and it was only five miles to trek, but I didn't like her silence that followed or the lines of worry on her face, even if she was worrying about the wrong thing. Or was she?

Her silence finally became too much for me. "What are you thinking?"

Those words felt like such a release now that I was finally in a position to just ask her.

"Just wondering where we're going," she lied artlessly.

I knew it was futile to probe further; she wouldn't share her thoughts with me. She was hiding something. I hated it, knowing at the same time that I shouldn't complain – there was so much I hadn't shared with her, but I was endeavoring to be honest, to deserve her trust. If only I _could_ deserve it.

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice," I answered. The clouds were already thinning.

"Charlie said it would be warm today."

_Ah, my cue_.

"And did you tell Charlie what we were up to?" I questioned, knowing the dismaying answer.

"Nope," she answered simply.

"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?"

"No, I told her you cancelled on me – which is true," she added.

_What?_

"No one knows you're with me?" My fury seeped into my voice. She really had no instinct for self-preservation _at all._

"That depends… I assume you told Alice?" she asked innocently.

She really had no clue. Alice would be mad if I hurt Bella, she cared for her future friend. But she was my sister, she would try to console me if I hurt Bella, I knew. She would help cover my tracks to avoid problems for the family. My hands balled into fists.

"That's very helpful, Bella," I seethed.

Never mind Alice – Bella, my victim, in this the worst of scenarios – was helping cover my tracks to get away with her murder! Did she want to die? Was she attracted to the danger I posed? It didn't fit with the character I had begun to know.

"Are you so depressed in Forks that it's made you suicidal?"

"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly," she trailed off.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause _me – _if _you_ don't come _home_?"

How could such a bright girl be so blind and fearless? This wasn't bravery – it was stupidity. I was livid.

"You never know what's good for you, Bella!" I ranted, so quickly that she wouldn't catch it.

We came to the end of the road, as far as the truck would take us. We climbed out, Bella timid in the face of my anger, but not backing down at all. It was too late now – she was here alone with me.

The temperature had risen and Bella removed her sweater. I had never seen so much of her skin before. It took my breath away. Her shirt, like mine, was sleeveless – it was such a sight – her cream, warm skin glowing in the dim light. Without my permission, my eyes languidly trailed along her delicate curves that were now visible to me. I turned away, feeling like I was imposing.

I quickly took my sweater off, partly for something to do and partly imitating her human motions, wanting to be as normal as I could for her. There would be shock enough in store. But later, I thought, when she would see me for real, my skin should be bared – yes, let her see me.

"This way," I said, glancing behind me, trying not to stare. I led us into the forest, struggling to stifle the blossoming thoughts that seeing her naked arms had provoked.

"The trail?" she asked from behind me in an alarmed voice. I heard her scrambling to catch up with me.

I stilled, waiting for her, still facing away. "I said that there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it." I clarified, my voice cold.

"No trail?"

I smiled, despite myself. This is what worried her? Always the wrong thing, I thought ruefully. "I won't let you get lost."

I smiled, turning to her. The distress in her voice needed reassurance, so I would give it. I was shocked by what I saw. Bella was looking at me, looking at my body – appreciatively, I thought at first – but her whole self seemed to slump, her face a mask of despair. I had no idea why. Was she finally realizing what a mistake she was making? Did she want to leave? The idea pained me deeply. She was finally making the right choice – the safe choice. Despair swamped me, thinking that I wouldn't even get this one day at Bella's side.

"Do you want to go home?" I asked, my voice quiet and thin.

"No," she said determinedly and walked to my side.

"What's wrong?" I could hear the sorrow in my voice – could she?

"I'm not a good hiker, you'll have to be very patient," she said meekly.

She was lying, I could tell. Well, not telling the full truth anyway. Why was she so upset all of a sudden?

"I can be patient – if I make a great effort," I qualified with a soft smile. She shouldn't be sad; it was wrong for her to be sad. She offered a weak smile in return. I looked at her face, trying to find the reason for her sudden dejection.

_I should take her home. She shouldn't be here with me_.

She was scared and upset, and it was all my fault. The ache in my chest increased.

"I'll take you home," I said, grieving her loss from my side already.

Her face took on a determined expression, though I could still see the sadness tainting her eyes. "If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way."

I couldn't fathom the change in her tone. To be able to read her mind! Would I never understand her? I resigned myself to her current mood and did as she said. I walked at her pace and for once the slow speed didn't aggravate me. I knew that Bella was a temporary light in my existence and with her sad tone and mournful eyes, I felt as though she was literally slipping through my fingers. If this was my only time with her I would savor every moment.

Bella's dismal mood faded into concentration as she made her way through the undergrowth. I cleared a path for her through the forest and helped her as much as I could. She barely looked at me – her eyes focused on the ground in front of her.

Trying to coax her out of her mood, I resumed my questioning that had characterized recent days. I could never bear her silence long and I had plenty of questions.

"Tell me about your birthdays," I asked.

"What do you want to know?"

I stopped in my tracks and looked fixedly into her deep brown eyes. "Everything."

She was taken aback by my intensity; blood pooled in her cheeks, her breathing hitched and broke. She was as lost in my eyes as I was in hers. We stood still, lost in each other for the moment, before Bella recovered herself. She blinked at me, took a deep shaky breath and started walking again.

"Um… I don't remember anything that really stands out. You know, the usual… My mom's a terrible cook – the cake went awry most years until I insisted that she stop trying…" she trailed off.

I waited, wanting to know more – always more.

"I don't remember it that well, but for my fourth birthday we have a video of me singing 'Happy Birthday' to myself, out of tune and at least three beats behind everyone else. That's really embarrassing…" She chuckled and flushed bright red. It was distracting.

"I don't know why I told you that." She frowned.

I conjured up the image in my head, a four-year-old Bella singing on her birthday. I smiled.

"One year, my mom bought those candles that don't blow out – I was there for ages…" She laughed. "I was determined to get them… she didn't buy them again."

I could see that – Bella's willpower and stubbornness was something I recognized.

My own childhood was a blur, only my mother's face remained. I liked the idea of Bella's life being documented; I could watch those videos one day. _No, I shouldn't think like that._

Of late, with each new piece of information I was collating in my mind about Bella, I would find myself swept into thinking of her future – a future with me in it – a future I desperately wanted. The now constant dull ache in my chest sharpened when I'd remind myself that that wasn't possible. But here I was, alone with Bella on what humans would call a date.

_What am I doing?_

I needed to change the subject fast. "What about pets?" I asked. Pets were probable, a normal human thing.

Bella cringed, screwing her nose up in the cutest fashion. I wanted to kiss it. _Stop it!_

"Well," she said, stretching out the word. "I don't have the best history with pets…"

"How do you mean?" I asked, my curiosity peaked and my wayward thoughts distracted for the moment.

She squirmed. "It's a long story…"

"We have plenty of time, Bella," I persisted. If only that could be true beyond this moment, beyond this day… Time was something that was not on Bella's side and therefore not on mine because my time with her was limited.

"I killed three goldfish in a row and gave up on the whole institution!" she retorted irritably.

My laughter echoed through the wood – Bella, the fish murderess! I couldn't remember when I'd laughed so hard or so loud and I had a very good memory. She looked like she wanted to be affronted for a moment but she gave in and joined me.

For the most part, we walked in silence, both of us thoughtful, I guessed. I could not _know._ It was wonderful just being in her company, graced with her presence. Out in the open space of the forest, my throat did not scorch the way it did in her room or in the confines of her truck. I still burned but I welcomed it. As much as I feared how her scent appealed to the monster in me, I missed the fire when she was gone because it meant that she was gone. I would endure anything to be with Bella.

I worried about her glum mood, knowing I was the cause but not succeeding in bringing her from it. So I concentrated on Bella's movements. Admittedly, I always paid close attention to her but I was mindful that the raised roots and ferns of the wood posed a particularly difficult terrain for her, even more so considering her inability to safely navigate flat linoleum floors.

I walked close beside her, feeling her warmth in the air but I resisted the urge to touch her and focused intently on our path – holding a web of wet moss aside here, kicking ferns aside there, clearing her path lest she struggle. I focused on each minute task. Not on the feel of her warmth whispering on the breeze against my skin. Not the spark of feeling that traveled up my arm when touching her was a necessity to help her over some obstacle. Not the joy I felt when her heartbeat would stutter and her breathing hitch at the contact. Not the blush on her cheeks when our eyes would meet during a silent moment. Not the painless sting I felt in my hand from when I'd touched her face last night. And definitely _not _the way her satin smooth skin felt under my hand.

_Each. Minute. Task._

I was relieved for a moment when I saw the sunlight shining through the clearing of the meadow ahead. Some reprieve from the intensity I'd felt during the slow walk.

"Are we there yet?" she asked in a singsong voice. The sound was melodic, even if she was blatantly teasing me.

"Nearly," I said, pleased that she sounded playful, more like herself. "Do you see the brightness ahead?"

Bella peered ahead and frowned. "Um, should I?"

"Maybe it's a bit soon for _your_ eyes," I teased back.

She rolled her eyes mumbling, "Time to visit the optometrist."

I wanted to laugh but held it back.

I could tell the moment that her human eyes caught the light – she quickened her pace, her eyes alight and excited. Her eagerness reminded me of our purpose here, and my relief was short-lived. This was it.

I slowed, letting Bella lead the way.

The ache in my chest increased once more. I'd never felt so nervous. No one but my family, my kind, had seen me in the sunlight. I'd never felt so vulnerable; I'd never cared so much what someone else thought.

I steadied myself, trying to prepare for Bella's reaction – a reaction I didn't dare to imagine, didn't dare to hope would be anything but repulsion – all the while knowing that no amount of preparation would be enough. Knowing that there was no way I could bear Bella's disgust or terror. I resolved to hide how much it hurt me at least.

I watched Bella as she moved slowly into the sunshine, her long hair swaying in the breeze, the sun highlighting the hint of red that I had seen before. She leaned down to draw her hand through the long grass and wild flowers. She looked her age, so young and carefree as she took in the meadow. I was pleased that it delighted her so.

It was strange to see someone here, in what was normally my secret, solitary place. I realized how much I liked to share my secrets with Bella. I was caught in the beauty of her wonder – I could watch her forever. But I didn't have forever because Bella didn't have forever.

It was with a heavy, dead heart that I neared the opening of the meadow. Bella, previously lost in the spectacle of the meadow, now searched for me, her expression became worried for a moment when I was not where she expected. But she smiled reassuringly when her eyes found me. It didn't comfort me. Bella didn't understand what I was and I was about to show her the hardened, faceted skin of a killer and she was smiling, beckoning me closer.

When she took a step toward me, I held up my hand. No. She should not be too close; she must have her space so that she wouldn't be too afraid. I could easily step back into the shadows where I would not look so terrifyingly abnormal and take her home.

The finality that this one meager step would hold for my doomed hopes of a future weighed heavy in limbs. My feet felt like lead, too heavy for my body to move, as if I had only human strength. It took all my energy and resolve to take that one simple step – the step that would decide my future, for I did not want a future without Bella.

With that thought in my mind, I stepped into the glare of the rare Washington sun.

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**Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. I would really like to know what you think. Please review.**

**Thank you to elizabethan and Project Team Beta for betaing this chapter.**

**I owe a huge debt of gratitude to ange de l'aube, my pre-reader, for her never-ending patience and encouragement throughout this experience.**

**Rhian**

**xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**It is confession time in the meadow. I hope you enjoy.**

**No copyright infringement intended. Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer, as are Edward and Bella – I'm just experimenting with them while I try to write.**

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**Illumination: Edward's Meadow**

**Part II: Sunlit Confessions **

My foot connected gently with the ground, softly bending the grass beneath it. I heard the dirt shift and give way to my weight a little. The bright spring sun shone down on me – my faceted skin throwing beams of light in all directions. I felt its warming glow, but as ever, I felt cold inside. I _was_ cold inside.

Fear was my predominant emotion. Fear of frightening Bella, of repulsing her with my true appearance. My legs were tensed and I had to fight the urge to step back immediately, before her human eyes caught sight of me. I had steeled myself for her repulsion but I knew that my heart couldn't take the rejection. I ached.

My every thought was of Bella; my senses alert, gauging her every reaction. I looked for the expression on her face, listened to her heartbeat and breathing patterns, I inhaled through my nose to analyze her scent, searching for a hint of fear or adrenaline.

What greeted me was shocking.

I had been prepared for many reactions, but not this – never this. Would she always surprise me?

She gaped at me with a look that could only be described as… _awe_.

I exhaled slowly, the feeling of dread leaving my body. If I were capable of tears they would have pooled in my eyes. She wasn't scared or even wary, or any of the reactions I had expected. She was so pure and good that she did not judge me; did not reject me; she accepted me, as I am. I tried to swallow and I couldn't.

I felt as though I should be on my knees, worshiping this amazing, astonishing girl. So trusting and innocent; she took my breath away, quite literally.

_How could I be this lucky?_

We stood there, both of us unmoving, simply regarding each other silently. Although, in truth, there was _nothing_ simple in this situation: I was a vampire in love with a human girl, the most beautiful, kind and generous girl in the world, and here I was showing myself to her in the sunlight. There was so much to say, so much between us, but neither of us found the words, we stood locked in each others gaze.

I started to move towards her slowly, very slowly, so as not to scare her. My steps were cautious but purposeful. I would approach her, but allow her enough space so that she would not feel threatened.

She said nothing, her eyes following my approach, her mouth slightly open. Her breathing was quick but even, reflecting excitement rather than fear or anxiety. Still, I couldn't quite comprehend the look on her face. I didn't, shouldn't, _wouldn't_ dare to hope that what I thought I was seeing was true, but I could have sworn that I saw admiration in her eyes. She could have been _dazzled_ as she called it, by my predator lures but her eyes held such acceptance and wonder as she saw me now; my unnatural diamond skin reflecting the sunlight in sparkles that danced on her skin as I moved towards her. I didn't look down at myself, for I couldn't bear to see the difference between us shown so flagrantly displayed.

I needed to snap her out of her daze – but gently – so I continued forward tentatively. When we were only a few feet apart, I spoke her name softy. She focused on my eyes, obviously hearing me, but not answering.

"Bella, don't be afraid," I reassured. Though I didn't really believe she was afraid, I could be wrong.

"So, this is what I look like in the sunlight," I said evenly. "This is what I am. I thought you should know."

A flash of emotion crossed her face showing her acknowledgement, but not a sound passed her lips. She was in shock – of course she was scared. I was such a fool.

"I don't mean to scare you, Bella. Would you prefer it if I went back into the shade?" I asked, worried by her silence.

After a beat, she finally shook her head, taking a step toward me and raised her hand as if to touch me in a seemingly unconscious gesture. I took as step back – not wanting to push my luck while not knowing what she planned to do.

"Wait," she cried urgently, taking another step towards me but lowering her hand. "Don't go, please."

I thought of how I had always either been running toward Bella or running away from her, never staying in place. Finally, I held my ground. But would it grant me peace?

I was here with her, in my meadow, and she wanted to be here with me. I decided in this moment to forget my pitiable circumstances and enjoy the moment. I found the decision a relief. No worries about what would happen next – just to experience – to _live_ this moment; thus far, the very best moment of my existence.

I smiled and sank to the floor in a sitting position. Bella did the same, though unsteadily. Her eyes never left me – she surveyed my body, taking in the sight of me.

She took a deep breath, her eyes darting around as if bewildered, then focusing on mine. "Edward," she said, breathless. "You're… beautiful…"

I gasped. _Beautiful? She found me beautiful even now?_

I felt as though my stone heart would come alive again. My cold heart swelled with a warmth that spread throughout my body. She looked at me and saw my true self – and she liked what she saw.

I noticed her fingers twitch as if she wanted to touch me.

_Did she want to touch me?_ _Should I let her?_

I wanted her to touch me. I thought of how her fingers had felt on my hand at the restaurant, of how she seemed to lean into my touch when I'd daringly trailed my fingers across her cheek in the hallway. My cold skin did not repulse her, and now my shimmering cold skin did not disgust her either.

_Enjoy the moment Edward_, I reminded myself. _Enjoy it while it lasts_.

Slowly, I leaned back into the grass assuming the most unimposing position I could. _Yes, enjoy the moment_. I closed my eyes, soaking up the sun's rays, feeling them warm me. But more than that – I basked in Bella's heavenly presence; I had never felt so at peace and yet every part of me thrilled.

I couldn't see her as I chose to keep my eyes closed; reveling in the closeness we were sharing. No, I couldn't see her, but I could hear her. I could hear her every breath, every beat of her heart; I felt its beat pulsating through the ground beneath me. I could feel her warmth in the air against my skin, and I could literally _feel_ her eyes on me; it was that new, almost tangible sensation of watching eyes. It was exciting.

I was utterly relaxed. It felt strange to allow myself to relax around Bella. My vampire senses remained alert of course; there was no other way for my kind. I enjoyed the relative silence. This was my quiet place, where even _my_ mind could have peace. Bella's mind was, as ever, out of reach.

I lost myself in my thoughts, the rhythm of her heart pulsing in my head; a vital thumping rhythm that I had not fully respected before. Now Bella's heart and its beat were essential to me.

"What are you saying?" she asked.

"Mmm?" I opened my eyes to look at her puzzled face.

"Your lips, they're moving..?"

"Oh, I hadn't realized… I was just singing to myself – it was too fast and too low for you to hear, I imagine," I explained.

I closed my eyes again, thinking of how at home I felt with Bella. There was no other place I ever wanted to be than by her side. I soaked up the feeling of just being here with her.

My reverie was interrupted when a tentative finger stroked the back of my hand. My eyes darted open. The feeling was bliss; her hot flesh warming mine. The line she traced scorched into my hand but the promise that it held bore so much more. She looked down at her hand marveling at the facets of my skin – she really wasn't afraid. How could that be? It made me wonder if she was really unafraid or if she was hiding her true reaction from me? _To be able to read her mind! _I kept the frustration from my face.

"I don't scare you?" I asked trying to sound playful and not quite succeeding.

"No more than usual," she answered with a smile. With that she inched closer, wary but determined. Her hand trembled, but she did not falter, and she placed her hand on my forearm.

It was difficult to keep still; something which usually came so naturally to my kind. Bella changed everything. I closed my eyes partly in concentration this time and luxuriated in the feel of her innocent and curious touch.

"Do you mind?" she asked softly.

I couldn't believe she was asking if I minded that she was caressing my arm in the most gentle and tender way – I'd never felt anything so sublime. My heart felt as though it might burst with my love for her. Maybe she didn't understand – _couldn't _understand how much of a revelation this was for me. I had never been touched like this before. I had never wanted a connection beyond my family and the love that they bestowed – but Bella had me wanting things that I had no right to want. I could not help but think of Bella as my mate. I was in love with her and I wanted her selfishly for my own, and even if Bella was never to be mine – I would forever be hers in my heart.

"No," I said still not moving. "You have no idea how that feels," I breathed.

She continued to trail her fingers along my forearm in slow patterns then reached with her other hand to turn mine over – she couldn't of course so I moved it for her. Only I moved too fast – she wasn't prepared for it and froze. So did I. But thankfully, I could see she was only startled, not truly frightened.

"Sorry," I whispered. "It's too easy to be myself with you."

When she calmed, I slackened my arm moving it where she wanted it. Bella was examining it, twisting it this way and that. At one point she held it so close to her mouth that her breath felt like it was searing my skin. I kept my eyes closed and focused – trying not to watch the look on her face lest I be tempted close the small distance between us and touch her lips with my fingers.

Again, I thought of Bella as a magnet for danger, literally so; I felt an almost unstoppable pull towards her. It was a gargantuan task to remain still and allow her control of my hand. _Did she feel the same? Did she want me to touch her?_ Part of me thought that she did – she was touching me of her own free will and I remembered her fingers twitching toward me in biology class the other day. Bella was engrossed, watching and playing with my arm… _What was she thinking?_

"Tell me what you're thinking," I pleaded. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."

"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time." She smirked at me but her voice sounded a little forlorn.

_Please tell me what you're thinking, Bella_.

I kept my gaze on her chocolate eyes, waiting for her real answer, hoping it would be truthful but fearing that I may not really want to know. The way she was looking at me… maybe it was the kind of fascination a scientist has for some newfound species or the curiosity for a freak in the circus. I felt myself tense at the thought. _Keep it light, Edward_.

"It's a hard life," I said trying to tease but failing. "But you didn't tell me."

_Please tell me, Bella. I can't bear the suspense_.

"I _was_ wishing I could know what you were thinking…" she trailed off uncertainly, sounding sad again.

"And?" I asked more urgently.

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

It hit me hard, she _was _afraid of course. How could she not be?

"I don't want you to be afraid," I said earnestly, feeling and hearing the heart-break in my voice.

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."

I was alert in an instant, moving to sit up. She was afraid of something else? I must have frightened her in another way. "What are you afraid of then?" I asked.

My movement had taken me closer to her, I could feel her breath on my face, I was too close and yet I did not move away. I waited for her answer. But her eyes unfocused, her breathing hitched and her heart hammered against her chest. The sounds whirled around me rhythmically, drawing me in. Bella, instead of being worried by my close proximity, did the unthinkable – she inhaled deeply and leaned in towards me, closer than we'd ever been. We weren't touching but her lips were mere inches from mine, her soulful brown eyes hooded. I found my eyes drawn to her full lips, the blood pulsing through them, their attractive pink hue… My eyes trailed down her delicate throat.

Her scent when I was this near was intoxicating to the extreme. The scent was like a physical layer surrounding her and it cocooned me in sensual, heated embrace. It was too much.

_Much too much._

I had to get away; I couldn't trust myself with her that close to my mouth. Her blood sang to me with each pulse of her heart. I could not take the risk that I would be overcome; I could not inhale her sweet breath and taste her on my tongue and trust myself not to act. I tore myself away and ran at full speed to the cover of the trees at the edge of the meadow.

I needed to calm myself. My body was alight with excitement and my whole self lusted towards her; hunger for her blood and yearning for her warm silken skin twisted in a cacophony of want. I could not afford to think of Bella in that way. _Bella_ could not afford for me to think of her that way. I took deep calming breaths in the fresh air offered to me here on the outskirts of the meadow. With the wind blowing in the opposite direction the clean air helped to clear my mind some. But there were certain images and feelings that once awoken, could not be blown away as easily as her scent.

She searched for me, not seeing me at first, but her knowing and worried eyes found me after a beat. My anxiety heightened when I saw the pain on her face, she looked to her hands briefly then looking up she said softly, "I'm… sorry… Edward."

She was upset – her concern clear on her face. Concern for me? I could hear her heart racing and smell the faint aroma of adrenaline on the air as the wind changed direction. But her worry seemed to outweigh her fear. She looked almost guilty, but of course I could not know.

"Give me a moment," I called, just loud enough for her to hear, not wanting to scare her any more.

I took deep breaths, keeping a calm mask on my face, and walked slowly back to her. My eyes locked on hers, trying to both ferret out her thoughts and reassure her. Though she should not be reassured; she was in danger. I was a risk of the worst kind.

I sat on the grass once again, facing her but not too close. I started with an apology. "I am so very sorry," I said softly. She could never know how sorry. _How could I make her understand how I was a slave to my emotions and wants without scaring her further?_ "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?"

She nodded dismally, her nervousness clear. It was torturous that when I most wanted to gain her trust and ensure her safety I was putting her in harm's way. I was a threat, and she should _not_ trust me. The thought occurred that maybe it was my vampire traits that drew her to me, not the man in me and it angered me. I knew what I was. Why was I trying to be anything else?

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I?" I asked scathingly. "Everything about me invites you in – my voice, my face, even my _smell_. As if I need any of that!"

It was time to show her the harsh reality and my fury only made it easier. I ran to the edge of the meadow and circled it in one beat of her heart. Her head whipped around looking for me while I stood waiting under a large fir tree.

Bella's shocked face, marred by fear, fuelled my rage. Her helplessness in my company was excruciating to witness so obviously with her here alone with me. The worry of harming her was a heavy, painful burden to bear and I had never hated myself more.

"As if you could outrun me," I yelled resentfully.

I reached up, easily breaking a large branch of the tree and threw it. The crash was loud and abruptly broke the silence of the meadow. Bella cringed from the sound. I ran to her, too fast for her to follow my progress showing her just how dangerous I was. I could see, hear and smell her fear.

_Yes, Bella, see me – fear me!_

"As if you could fight me off."

She sat quiet and still, watching me with wide brown eyes. I lost myself in those eyes and my temper calmed, my reason returning. No reason to try to be better, I had thought – of course there was a reason and she was sitting right in front of me. I could never hurt her. I had proven myself now – even if she was too close, too tempting, I could take myself away from her.

I wanted to be near her and be safe. But was I asking too much? It felt like I was. No matter how hard I tried I could never deserve her – never be anything but a monster. I felt the misery seep into every part of my detestable being.

"Don't be afraid. I promise…" I wavered, not knowing what it was I could honestly promise her. "I _swear_ not to hurt you."

I would swear this to her now and will it to be true until it was. As much as I knew she should fear me, I didn't want her to. My anger unraveled in my sorrow and I realized that I was towering over her. I took a measured step forward, and seated myself opposite her.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered.

She watched me silently. I had scared her terribly.

"Please forgive me. I _can_ control myself." I stressed, needing my own reassurance. "You caught me off guard. But I am on my best behavior now."

I waited for her to speak, to move, but she didn't. It was a grave situation but to get her attention, at least, I tried to make light. "I'm not thirsty today honestly." I winked at her, breaking our intense eye-contact momentarily. It seemed to do the trick as she broke out of her daze with a weak laugh.

"Are you alright?" I questioned. I wanted to comfort her, prove that I was safe and against my will and better judgment my hand reached out and placed itself in hers. It felt like it belonged there.

She stared down at it, regaining her equilibrium I presumed. She held it as if confirming that it was real. She seemed appeased and offered me a smile, tentative but genuine. My heart soared, a large smile stretching across my face.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?"

"I honestly can't remember," she sighed.

I knew the answer to my question before I asked it – I could not forget. I smiled, but felt the shame and melancholy on my face and I hoped that I had not completely ruined our day together – what could be our _only_ day. "I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason," I prompted.

"Oh, right," she agreed, remembering. But she didn't continue and she looked unhappy.

"Well?" I asked, having to know, even if that knowledge would be my ruin.

She remained silent, busying her nervous fingers with my arm – either not willing to explain or not knowing how. I felt anxious that she was hiding things from me – I couldn't conquer that particular frustration at all. Was she afraid to tell me what she was thinking? Afraid to voice the words seal my fate? My notion of simply enjoying the day had failed miserably.

I sighed heavily. "How easily frustrated I am."

I was not getting used to not knowing her thoughts, far from it, it was getting harder because the closer I got – the more I felt and knew and experienced – the more I wanted. Feeling her warm fingers on my arm only amplified my craving. Bella was my siren and I could not resist the force of her pull. I coveted every part of her and I wanted every thought.

She looked up at me and searched my eyes, I don't know what she found but she seemed to take courage from it. She spoke in a small voice, "I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't _stay_ with you." She looked up briefly, but couldn't hold my gaze. She blushed. "And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should."

She wanted to stay with me – wanted to be with me. I marveled, only sobering when I recognized the defeat in her tone – even being here now, risking her life to spend time with me, she knew that we couldn't be. _Would she make the 'right' choice now – choose not to be with me?_

"Yes," I said slowly, deliberating how to respond. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest." I worked to keep both my desolation and undying hope hidden.

"I should have left long ago," I admitted. "I should leave now. But I don't know if I can."

She looked pained. "I don't want you to leave," she murmured miserably.

I shouldn't have take pleasure in the fact that she wanted me to stay, but I did, of course I did.

"Which is exactly why I should," I stated, my voice carrying a certainty that my mind could not uphold. "But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

"I'm glad," she said, some brightness returning to her face.

I scowled – she ought not derive comfort from my weakness. I pulled away from her.

"Don't be!" I barked, feeling the rumble of a growl threaten. She understood nothing! "It's not just your company I crave! Never forget _that_. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than to anyone else." I looked away, struggling to reign in my anger.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean – by that last part anyway," she questioned.

Of course, she would pick up on that. I had said more than I had meant to in my temper – evidence of how out of control I was. I looked back to her and saw her raw curiosity and found that I could not deny her – not knowing how unbelievably frustrating it is to be kept in the dark. Bella deserved the truth – I would give her that.

"How do I explain? And without frightening you again… hmmm," I deliberated aloud.

I reached out to her in what strangely felt like a natural gesture. Bella's warm hands clasped mine in what I imagined would be a tight grip for her. The feeling of it – her small hands encircling mine tenderly was distracting and absorbed my attention.

"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth," I breathed contentedly. It took a moment for me to collect my thoughts. They were many and were running away from me.

_Right. Concentrate. How to explain?_

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" I asked, trying to explain in human terms. "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"

She nodded, following.

"Sorry about the food analogy – I couldn't think of another way to explain."

She smiled in understanding.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence." I avoided the word 'taste'. I wanted to explain how much I yearned for her blood so that she would know the danger I posed but I didn't want to frighten her. I wanted her to know the truth – even though my truth was ugly.

Continuing to use human examples I elaborated, "If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest finest cognac – and filled the room with its warm aroma – how do you think he would fare then?"

I let the thought sink in as we sat in silence for a while. It didn't fully encapsulate how her blood called to me, but it was a start.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison," I confessed. "Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead." I smiled wryly.

"So what you're telling me is, I'm your brand of heroin?" she asked with a playful smile.

"Yes, you are _exactly_ my brand of heroin." It was true, I felt like an addict when it came to Bella and that was not limited to her blood.

"Does that happen often?" she asked, mirroring the question I'd asked Carlisle that first day I caught her mind-blowing scent, and my family when I'd returned from Alaska. I pondered what to tell her – I would be truthful but censor the worst.

"I spoke to my brothers about it. To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the difference in smell, in flavor," I winced, looking quickly at Bella, I hadn't meant to use that word – I was desperately trying not to think of her that way, but a mind-set of eighty years was difficult to overcome. I apologized.

"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever," she said. "That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."

So understanding and tolerant, but how far can I push this? She deserves to know the truth – I could not disguise what I am, and how much danger she is in every moment she spends with me, but I didn't want to lose her.

"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as…" _How to phrase it?_ "…_appealing_ as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."

"And for you?"

"Never."

Hers was the sweetest blood I had ever smelled, but her affect on me was so much greater – she had changed me so completely that I felt like a different man than the one who had sat in biology that day when Bella walked into the stream of the heater.

"What did Emmett do?" she asked bringing me back from my musings. And so she saw to the root of the matter again and asked the question I definitely didn't want to answer. I tried not to visualize the scene I'd seen in Emmett's head of the lady hanging washing, her scent wafting through the fragrant plumes of the apple orchard that evening – his instinctive reaction. My hands clenched into fists. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't find the words.

"I guess I know," she said, barely above a whisper.

I chanced a look at her, feeling my emotions play on my face. Would she be understanding about this too? – knowing that my brother, her schoolmate was a murderer. Emmett had never been one for control, it had been a difficult time when he was a newborn, especially given his strength. Though it had been years since he had slipped at all, he _was_ dangerous – we all were, no one more than me when it came to Bella. Would I be honest enough one day to tell her the truth of my past? Could I bear to see the look on her face when I did?

"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"

She blanched. "What are you asking? My permission?" she asked, her voice harsh. This is where her patience runs out, I thought and despair crept into my consciousness, a feeling of emptiness hung over me. I couldn't find the words to answer her.

"I mean, is there no hope, then?" she asked more softly.

_What? How could she think _that?

"No, no" I said urgently, contritely, regretting how I had made it sound. I needed to tell her how I felt so that she could understand that I would not hurt her. "Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…" I couldn't say the words. I couldn't truthfully promise her that either.

My eyes bore into hers trying to convey my sincerity – the depth of my feelings for her. "It's different for us." I liked the sound of 'us'. "Emmett… these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as… practiced, as careful, as he is now."

After a long silence – a silence where I thought I may actually go insane with worry – Bella spoke. "So if we'd met… oh, in a dark alley or something…" she trailed off.

My heart fell – this was it. She should know the extent of my depravity. I owed her that.

"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and –" I stopped, remembering the violence of my reaction that day, wishing that I could forget. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."

I was disgusted with myself – it was all the more real now that I was telling Bella and it was all the more likely that she would cast me off, never wanting to see me again.

"You must have thought I was possessed."

Confusion played on her features. "I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…"

Now, thinking back, I couldn't imagine loathing Bella, even then I knew it was unfounded – that the innocent, silent girl beside me didn't deserve my hatred.

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin…" I tried to ignore the memories my tale stirred. "I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…"

I looked up at her, her expression difficult to read. "You would have come," I promised.

"Without a doubt," she agreed.

Bella seemed calm as she listened so, certain that she was not too frightened, I recounted the rest. "And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there – in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there – so easily dealt with."

She shivered at that, the truth of my words sinking in, no doubt.

"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself _not_ to wait for you, _not_ to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision," I explained.

She regarded me carefully, taking in what I was telling her. Realizing probably for the first time the danger she had been in.

"I left the others near home – I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong – and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving. I traded cars with him – he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary…" It still hurt thinking of what I'd inflicted on my family, even if for only such a short time. It paled however, to the pain inspired at the thought of having hurt Bella – no, nothing compared to _that_.

"By the next morning I was in Alaska." I felt my cowardice keenly, running away did not hold well with me, but I would surrender my pride sooner than sacrifice Bella to my animalistic desires. What I couldn't seem to give up was my time with her.

"I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances… but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible." _Damn pride_. "I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong."

I looked at her now with a teasing smile, thinking of the difference in my attitude then and now. I was arrogant. I thought myself untouchable, above it all. Then in walked this unassuming gentle creature and altered my world and my self, permanently. I laughed at my conceit.

"Who were you, an insignificant little girl – to chase me from the place I wanted to be?" That place had changed too, my home was not Forks or with my family any longer – that place was by her side.

"So I came back…" I continued. "I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human." _Yeah right_. "I was arrogant about it." I admitted.

"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." I frowned, realizing that little had changed in that respect, Bella was talking to me – I was being more honest with her than I ever thought to be, and still, I was guessing at her reactions.

"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person." Not that I had ever conversed much with the human populace of the many schools I had attended. "I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions… and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again…" I tried not to think of my reactions, the ones I was becoming accustomed to resisting.

Bella was fascinated by my tale, even more silent than usual, not that I was giving her much opportunity to talk. It felt cathartic to tell her the truth, to explain my erratic behavior at last. And as I had realized before – I _wanted_ her to know me.

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment – because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are." I shuddered at the thought and tried in vain to blot Alice's vision of what would have happened had I not intervened from my memory – it disturbed me then, I found it horrifying now. I willed it to go away – Bella was here sitting in front of me very much alive, I reasoned, but the feeling of dread would not leave me.

"But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time all I could think was, 'Not her,'" I confided. Part of me must have known then just how important she was, the words '_not her'_ ringing in my head as if they belonged to someone else.

Bella did not recoil in fear – her voice was full of compassion as she asked quietly, "In the hospital?" My eyes flashed to hers and saw what I'd heard in her voice. I was in awe of her – what she could take on faith, to believe in me like I could not believe in myself.

"I was appalled," I answered truthfully. "I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power – you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." I flinched, my mouth had run away with me again, it was too easy to forget what I was saying. But I needed to explain myself properly. "But it had the opposite effect. I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time…" I faltered not wanting to say the words again. "The worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." I was infinitely grateful for the wisdom and compassion of my father, but I winced when I remembered the reason why Alice had managed to convince my family not to take action – death or one of us – _no!_ I would forge that third path. I was adamant. I could not harm her in any way, could not cause her pain of any kind, and I could not bring this beautiful caring, simply good, creature be delivered to my damned half-life. If I ever had any hope of redemption – harming Bella would extinguish it.

"Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay," I finished, trying to bring myself out of my dark thoughts by thinking of my adopted mother's indulgence.

Bella listened intently giving very little away in her expression. I continued. "All the next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible," I admitted. But I had failed – clearly. The issue now was that as much as I couldn't stay away, I didn't want to. "And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair… it hit me as hard as the very first day."

I could fight the monster so much better now that I knew that I loved her, but she was always at risk – I knew I would not kill her intentionally, that if I were to be overcome it would be a tragic accident, but Bella courted danger, and invited tragedy. To hurt her now… to lose her now… The thought choked me.

"And for all that, I'd have fared better if I _had _exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here – with no witnesses and nothing to stop me – I were to hurt you."

"Why?" she asked.

Why? She had to ask why? She really didn't understand how much I felt for her. I was always surprised that she could see into the heart of matters that concerned others, she could see through my defenses, look past my exterior and view me as a man – but she couldn't see into my heart.

"Isabella," I said using her full name, liking the way it felt on my tongue. Not wanting to frighten her with my intensity, but resolved on telling her the truth, I reached over and tenderly toyed with her hair, enjoying the feel of her silken tresses between my fingers. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I looked down, unable to meet her gaze. "The thought of you, still, white, cold… to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses… it would be unendurable." I lifted my eyes to hers, pleading with her to see my love, see my shame for the danger I put her in and, and… forgive me.

I didn't see forgiveness at all, it dawned on me that she'd never held me accountable for anything. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever," I said, sincerity ringing in my voice.

Bella graced me with the blush that I adored, her heart racing. I waited with bated breath to see what she'd say. Would she tell me that she cared for me too? I waited.

"You already know how I feel, of course," she said in a shy, quiet voice. "I'm here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you."

My heart swelled that she wanted to be with me – I knew it already, but to hear her say it was glorious. But the connotations that her declaration suggested frightened me – she would risk her own life to be with me – it was wrong, so wrong, I wasn't worth it.

"I'm an idiot," she added with a frown.

"You are an idiot," I laughed.

We laughed together providing some relief from the intense atmosphere between us. It was funny, I had to admit, the sheer absurdity of this conversation – here we were a vampire and a human girl in love… did I dare to hope that she loved me? In this moment I did.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..."

"What a stupid lamb," she breathed, not meeting my gaze, but I could see she was smiling from the curve of her pretty, flushed cheeks.

"What a sick, masochistic lion." I was a fool to do this to myself, a true monster to do this to her, but the way she made me feel… It was like nothing I…

"Why…?" she started, but couldn't find the words.

"Yes?" I asked. What would she ask me now? I had shared so much, but of course, the details revealed would only cause more questions in her inquisitive mind.

"Tell me why you ran from me before."

Of course she would ask the hardest question to answer. I'd already told her so much – why did she have to ask me this? "You know why."

"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example" – she leaned over and lightly caressed the back of my hand. I hummed quietly at the feel of it, distracted from my annoyance at her taking the blame for my awful behavior – "seems to be alright."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault." As if she could be held responsible for anything I might do to her. My display earlier had surely proved that point.

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you," she persisted.

I had just admitted how difficult it was for me to resist the urge to kill her, and instead of running away screaming, she wanted to help me – _was_ she made for me? I desperately hoped that the irresponsible guardian angel I had conjured up in my mind as her creator had not erred in her judgment in sending Bella into my path. However, there were things that could help, Bella being more wary for one. But did I really want her to be wary of me?

"Well… it was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your _throat_…" I said, and hearing the longing in my voice I stopped – I should not continue that line of thought, Bella should not hear it either.

"Okay then," she quipped, tucking in her chin and raising her shoulders. "No throat exposure."

I chuckled. "No, really," I explained. "It was more the surprise than anything else."

I had proven that I could be close to her, to touch her even, I just needed to be very mindful and focus, to monitor my every breath and every urge – to manage and control. I raised my hand and placed it on her neck to prove my point. I could feel her pulse quicken beneath my hand, the beat and the warmth radiated up my arm. Her blush flowed across every inch of skin I could see. I was not going to tell her about my other thoughts while she was that close to my mouth, and I was trying not to think about them now. _Trying_.

"You see," I sighed. "Perfectly fine."

I felt the impulse to touch the attractive blush that drew my attention to her rounded cheeks. "The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I said, gently reaching up to smooth my fingers along her cheek. I brought both hands up to cradle her face in my hands. I was on edge, I knew the risk I was taking and I couldn't stop myself. I just had to focus. I wanted to prove that I could do this, I had to try. I tensed, ready to run were it to become too much.

"Be very still," I warned, though there was little she could do in my iron grasp.

Slowly, monitoring my every impulse and Bella's every reaction – I leaned in asking her permission with my eyes. She did as I asked and stayed motionless. Feeling in control and without any rebuttal from Bella, I placed my cheek against the hollow at the base of her throat. The sensation was exceptional, and I drowned in it momentarily, but kept my focus on breathing steadily, keeping myself in check.

I acclimatized to the feeling a little, though I couldn't ever imagine touching Bella like this ever becoming _normal_, it would always be a wonder to me, of that I was certain. I trailed my hands slowly down her bare neck, eliciting a shiver. Was it the temperature of my skin or a shiver of desire? The mere thought that it could be desire had my mind whirling out of control. I took a sharp intake of breath and closed my eyes trying to restore my calm. My hands did not still their progress and slid onto her clothed shoulders.

I ran the tip of my nose across her collarbone, savoring her scent, feeling her heat seep into my flesh. I rested my face against her chest, lost in the rhythmic rise and fall of it, hearing her hammering heart resounding in my ears. There was something so comforting about it, this vital pumping organ that gave Bella life and was symbolic of something even greater.

"Ah," I sighed in appreciation. I had thought my cold marble flesh was impenetrable but she had gotten through; her warmth filled me. My heart was in her grip, the one part of me that could easily be broken. I had never felt so vulnerable, and as much as I had told myself not to expect Bella to return my feelings I had hoped against hope. Now that she had shown me that she did care for me, if only a fraction of my feelings… my heart sang.

My mind drifted in what I could only imagine was a dream-like state. I felt lost but found all in the same moment. Bella being a part of my existence was very new to me, and yet I had the sensation of returning home when I was with her. She would be my home now; wherever she was, would be my place in the world. For the first time ever, I felt peace; I was in the eye of the storm and I reveled in it. My face felt warm, burning really, it was burning hotter than the fire in my throat. I realized that I was taking her warmth, warmth that she needed even on this sunny day so I sat back, much too soon for my liking.

"It won't be so hard again," I declared, delighted. I had overcome the thirst of the monster, he still existed but I had fought him and won and became easier with each battle.

"Was that very hard for you?" she asked. It was pleasant to hear her voice we'd been quiet for so long.

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?" I wondered.

"No, it wasn't bad… for me," she qualified.

I smiled – smart alec. "You know what I mean," I said good-naturedly.

Had she shared the blissful moment with me; feeling our connection as I did? I wanted to share everything with her.

"Here," I said, taking her hand in mine and placing it on my warmed cheek. "Do you feel how warm it is?"

Oh, her hand on my face…

"Don't move," she whispered, echoing my sentiment from earlier.

I did as I was asked, closing my eyes to savor the feeling of her skin on mine and refusing to look at her face full of wonder, her full, now parted lips, lest it become too much. Bella's fingers whispered across my face, exploring, caressing affectionately. The feeling was indescribable, her innocent willing hands tracing the lines of my face, my nose, my eyelids, my lips… I wanted to kiss her fingertips. I clamped my mouth shut. It was a loss when she pulled away, dropping her hand to her lap.

"I wish… I wish you could feel the… complexity… the confusion… I feel. That you could understand," I murmured.

A lock of hair had fallen over her forehead and I reached out to smooth it behind her ear. My movement was unhurried, my fingers lingering on her skin. She blushed beneath them. The contrast between her rosy cheeks and my cold hard hands was startling as the suns rays bounced off of me like crystal; how I hated my hands.

"Tell me," she breathed, bringing my attention back to the present.

My hand traced patterns on her face as I spoke. "I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger – the thirst – that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely.

"But… there are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me," I confided, my finger moving back and forth over her lips. Bella trembled in response. Did she feel it too? The magnetism – the… longing? I'd been inside the minds of humans for decades, been around the loving couples that comprised my family and yet I found it difficult to articulate my feelings.

"I may understand _that _better than you think," she mumbled beneath my fingers. It was as though _she_ was the mind-reader.

"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?" I asked, taking her hands in mine, taking extra care as I felt their fragility in my strong grip.

"For me? No, never. Never before this."

Her answer satisfied me, I had thought she may have had someone back in Phoenix, it would make sense. Although they could not fully comprehend her beauty, in both form and character, the human males were not oblivious to her appeal. Though none of the mundane human boys in Forks had anything to interest Bella, they could offer her things that I couldn't; could be close to her in ways that I couldn't; could be near to her without putting her in mortal danger. If only I were human…

"I don't know how to be close to you," I confessed. "I don't know if I can."

She leaned forward with exaggerated slowness, asking my permission, and placed her cheek against my chest, over my heart. My breath left me in a gust, and for the second time that day my chest tightened and I felt as though I would cry were it possible.

"This is enough," she sighed.

I wished that that could be true. My arms encircled her delicate frame tenderly, holding her to me. I never wanted to let her go.

* * *

**Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. I am very new to writing and I would like to know how I am doing, so please help me out by reviewing. It would be much appreciated.**

**Thank you to ****KrisBCullen and EvilPumpkin from**** Project Team Beta for their very helpful comments on this chapter.**

**And once again, thank you to ange de l'aube, my pre-reader and friend. Without her encouragement I probably wouldn't be writing at all.**

**Rhian**

**xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here is the last installment. Enjoy…**

* * *

**Illumination: Edward's Meadow**

**Part III: Midnight Awakening**

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she mumbled against my chest as I held her to me.

"I have human instincts – they may be buried deep. But they're there." Feelings that had been buried for a hundred years and she had unearthed them all.

I held her close, breathing in her enchanting aroma; now that I'd faced my demons and won I could appreciate a new majesty to her fragrance, a depth and intricacy that I hadn't noticed before in my need.

As the light began to fade, casting pinks and purples across the sky, twilight descended and I realized that our day was coming to an end. Bella let out a low sigh.

"You have to go," I said.

"I thought you couldn't read my mind," she teased, but with a sad tone to her voice that I didn't like to hear, even if it was because she didn't want to leave me.

"It's getting clearer." I smiled, happy that our minds were on the same track.

Reluctantly, I pulled away from her. "Can I show you something?" I was excited at the prospect of sharing another part of me and now had full confidence that I could handle it.

"Show me what?" she asked.

"I'll show you how _I_ travel in the forest."

Bella looked wary.

"Don't worry," I reassured. "You'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster."

I couldn't let her walk the five miles back, it'd take much too long and because of Bella's scheming we had to beat Charlie home. I felt uncomfortable deceiving Chief Swan; he was her father and she was under his care. I resolved that if I were to be spending more time with Bella, Charlie would know about it.

"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked skeptically.

I laughed; a huge roaring laugh. My way of travel was much more efficient than a bat! "Like I haven't heard _that_ one before!" I retorted, though truthfully I hadn't – I wasn't in the habit of discussing vampire lore with the uninitiated.

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time," she joked.

She was stalling. "Come on, little coward, climb on my back." The words were ironic – Bella's bravery astounded me on all fronts, from her determined independence and selfless acts to the courage it took to be here with me now.

She didn't move so I reached for her and lifted her onto my back. Her heart reacted instantly to my touch. Bella wrapped her legs and arms around me and I was utterly surrounded, enveloped in her. Her heart beat a frantic rhythm against my back, so strong and vital that it felt like it was beating through my chest. Her breath whispered across the back of my neck. Her warmth radiated into me. The sensation was staggering. I took a moment to relish it. What was more astonishing was that I didn't feel a danger to her anymore, not as I had been. My love for her and this exceptional day together had cemented my resolve – the monster was nowhere inside of me.

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," she cautioned.

"Hah!" I exclaimed; she was as light as a feather on my back. I reached for her hand, bringing it to my face and inhaled deeply. "Easier all the time."

My throat burned and ached, but it was bearable, _more_ than bearable if that's what it took to have her with me, like this. I took off at a jog, slower than my usual pace. I rejoiced in the success of the day, it had gone much better than I had dared to dream it would and now that my love was literally wrapped around me I dared to dream further. If I could cope with her around me like this – her flesh at my nose and earlier with her fingers on my lips and not feel the monster, then maybe – _maybe_ I could… _No_, I couldn't, not that, it would be too risky. But my heart yearned for it, and I suspected that Bella's did too. I could offer her that, more like an ordinary boyfriend would. If I could be with her that way, if I could kiss her… My mind raced faster than my feet beneath me.

"Exhilarating isn't it?" I asked when we arrived back at the truck in no time at all. I stilled and waited for Bella to let go. She didn't move a muscle apart from her rapidly beating heart and quickened breathing. Was she alright? "Bella?"

"I think I need to lie down," she said in a small voice.

"Oh sorry," I said, not knowing what else to say. Had it been too fast for her? Had it made her dizzy?

"I think I need help," she confessed.

I chuckled. She was just a little faint, nothing to worry about really. I reached around to ease her off my back. Her limbs were easy for me to move, but I needed to remind myself how fragile she was. I turned her in my arms so that she was in a very similar position but to my front now. The embrace felt so intimate it was overwhelming. I placed her gently on the ground.

"How do you feel?"

She looked disoriented, her eyes unfocused, her body sagging, the color drained from her skin. I really did need to take better care of her. Humans weren't made for such high speeds and as I already knew Bella had a weak stomach and was prone to fainting. I had been foolish. I would be more careful next time.

"Dizzy, I think," was her slow and muddled response.

"Put your head between you knees," I advised, knowing it would help. I really hoped she wouldn't faint. She took deep breaths and her heart regained a more regular tempo.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I offered.

"No, it was very interesting."

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost – no, you're as white as _me_!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes," she muttered.

"Remember that next time."

"Next time!" she cried weakly.

I laughed. Yes there would be a next time if I had anything to do with it. I planned to have Bella with me and I liked speed.

"Show-off," she grumbled.

I leaned in close. "Open your eyes, Bella."

She looked at me, surprised by our closeness. I wasn't sure if she was still dizzy from the running or if she was as affected by me as I was by her, but color rose to her cheeks, her heart fluttered and her lips parted, letting out a low breath that blew softly over my face.

"I was thinking, while I was running…" I wasn't sure how to say it, I'd never done this before. I'd never wanted to.

"About not hitting trees, I hope," she retorted.

I laughed. "Silly Bella, running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about." My mind was definitely running different paths.

"Show-off," she muttered again, making me smile.

"No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try." I carefully took her face in my hands, cradling it like the most precious thing in the world; it _was_ to me. I took a moment preparing myself for what I was about to do. I was going to kiss Bella, to place my lips on hers. The thought alone was intoxicating, interlacing with the sensory overload already at play; her warmth surrounding me, the perfume of her blood clouding in plumes around me, the hammering of her heart pounding in my ears. I could do this. I wanted it enough that I could do it and still keep her safe.

As I inclined my head towards her Bella realized my plan and held her breath. I moved slowly checking every urge, managing every impulse, apart from the pull of her sweet lips drawing me in; that impulse I gave into gladly. Bella's eyes, wide and welcoming, darted from my eyes to my lips. The anticipation was a thrill in itself. From inches away her heat radiated out to me, it felt like a caress, even before my lips met with hers.

The moment of contact. Her lips were plump silk beneath mine, molding to my shape, soft and yielding, her mouth opened slightly, breathing me in – _heaven_. Emotion swelled within me, emotion that could not be contained it spread through me like wildfire leaving a warm pulsing tingle in its wake; a heated current traveling through me, making my stone body feel truly alive.

The charge of that pulse was only overtaken when Bella reached for me; her arms wrapped around me, her fingers lacing in my hair pulling herself towards me. It was beautiful, to be so wanted, just like I wanted her. I found myself surrendering to the feelings within me, the _feel_ of her around me...

It was too much.

I stilled instinctively turning to stone to stop myself from… what is it that I wanted to do? My thoughts were so incoherent I didn't know what I was thinking. Was I the monster, the predator in this moment or was I the man? I just didn't know, so I stopped. I knew how easy it would be to get lost in her and lose every shred of control I'd managed to form. I couldn't risk it; I could _never_ lose control around her. So I pulled back reluctantly, still holding her face gently in my hands, the fire of my passion burning with the flames of my thirst.

I felt wild, feral, different instincts pulling me in different directions. My world had turned since I'd met Bella, I had a hard time figuring out which way was up, but now my world was in flames, burning so bright that even _my_ eyes were blinded.

"Oops," she breathed.

"That's an understatement."

"Should I…?" she questioned, trying to move herself away from me. I didn't allow it. Partly because I'd clamped down my muscles to retain some control, partly because I wanted her close. I just needed to get accustomed to the feeling, to reign in the riotous emotions coursing through me.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please."

I kept my eyes focused intently on hers trying to decipher her expression as a method of distraction; bringing my thoughts back in line, my impulses under stricter check. I seemed to find myself again, my reason returning. Realizing what I'd achieved – to go so close to the brink and to bring myself back again. I could do this. I smiled. "There."

"Tolerable?" she asked. Hah, as if she could ever be only _tolerable_ to me. I laughed.

"I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know," I explained.

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry," she murmured. It made me laugh. I may have had to hold her back, to stop where the kiss was going, wherever that was… but the fact that she wanted me, like that, knowing what I am. I could barely comprehend it.

"You _are _only human, after all," I chuckled.

She threw me a glare. "Thanks so much." It was adorable; the feisty kitten who thinks she's a tiger. I couldn't help but smile.

I rose, extending my hand. Bella took it with a surprised yet pleased look on her face. _Yes Bella, I can touch you safely now, get used to it_.

She teetered slightly as she got to her feet, I steadied her. I guessed she was still lightheaded. She was also still annoyed, so I thought some teasing was in order. "Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?"

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," she muttered. "I think it's both, though," she offered with a wry smile and crinkled brow.

"Maybe you should let me drive."

"Are you insane?" she asked.

"I can drive better than you on your best day. You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure that's true," she conceded grudgingly. "But I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."

"Some trust please, Bella." I had to ask for her trust in _this _– driving. How ridiculous!

She pursed her lips at me then shook her head stubbornly. "Nope. Not a chance."

_Seriously?_

She went to move around me, as I was blocking her way to the truck, and staggered a little. I reached around her waist to steady her again, exasperated that she still wanted to drive in her condition but enjoying the intimacy of supporting her, holding her. There was no way that I would allow her to drive.

"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight." I chuckled, thinking of the publicized human motto, "Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk."

But I sobered as I realized that she was inhaling my scent, savoring it, the look on her face…

"Drunk?" she asked incredulously.

I leaned in close, enhancing the effect. "You're intoxicated by my very presence" I breathed.

"I can't argue with that," she sighed dreamily. She reached out her hand and let her keys drop. I caught them easily. "Take it easy – my truck is a senior citizen," she grumbled, but her tone was playful.

"Very sensible."

"Are you not affected at all? By my presence?" she asked, sadness marring her features.

She really had no idea. I leaned in, slowly sweeping my lips along her jaw from her chin to her ear and back, marveling at the feel of her silken skin against my lips. She quivered beneath me, her heart flying. No, intoxicating didn't cover it, love fell short; no word in any language I knew could adequately explain my feelings for her.

"Regardless, I have better reflexes," I concluded as I pulled away unwillingly.

I held the passenger door open for her and she stepped in slightly unsteady. Our most recent interaction had not helped her dizziness any. I smiled widely. I started the truck and headed back to the freeway, driving as fast as the ancient truck would take us.

We were silent as Bella calmed her breathing. I gently took her hand placing it on the seat between us. It felt wrong _not_ to touch her now. I trailed my thumb over her knuckles and paid very little attention to the road. I knew it by heart.

I enjoyed the quiet, I could block out the thoughts and sounds of our fellow road-users as the freeway was mostly clear. After a while I thought that some music might be pleasant. I found a station that I liked to listen to occasionally, and a familiar tune filled the cab. The sound quality was abysmal but I didn't complain this time. If we were to be together, as a couple, then I could replace this health hazard. Normal boyfriends bought their girlfriends cars, didn't they? I could take care of her.

I sang along quietly as I thought of all the ways I could lavish her with gifts. I had plenty of money, she would want for nothing – not in that way anyway. Suddenly, the reality of the things I could not give her twisted painfully in my chest. I shook the feeling off.

"You like fifties music?" she asked.

I deliberated a little then resolved to reveal a little information of my age to see how she would react.

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" They were _appalling_. "The eighties were bearable," I offered, feeling the oddity of describing music of the decade when Bella was born, to think I was mulling along in my insular existence caught in music and the arts, spending time with my family, whilst Bella was being brought into the world.

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" she asked uncertainly.

"Does it matter much?" I asked, wondering what fact, what snippet of information it was that would take her away from me. She had accepted so much for one day I didn't want to push it.

"No, but I still wonder… There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."

"I wonder if it would upset you," I mused. The seventeen year old boy that my body represented was hard to reconcile with my true age. I was on old man, born in a different age. I was old enough to be her great-great-great-grandfather and more.

"Try me," she insisted.

I looked into her eyes seeing the curiosity there and sighed. I could deny her nothing. And so, I told my tale.

"I was born in Chicago in 1901," I began, glancing quickly at her. Her face was composed, too composed to be her real reaction. She was getting better at hiding her reactions from me. I smiled. "Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918," I continued. The story didn't feel like my own, I remembered little and what I did know was told to me by my father. "I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza."

Bella gasped.

"I don't remember it well," I assured her. "It was a very long time ago, and human memories fade." I stopped, wondering how much to elaborate. "I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget." I thought of the searing agony of the transformation – no, not something that could be forgotten, for our kind it was often our first solid memory.

"Your parents?"

"They had already died from the disease," I stated factually. "I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone."

I did not regret that Carlisle had chosen to save me – which was a worry that would creep into his mind from time to time – but I had never been thankful for it. My life had been bearable, I had adjusted my expectations and could cope with this life, but it was an empty existence with no meaning. That was something that had changed when I met Bella. I had my reason for being and I was immeasurably grateful that Carlisle had granted me immortality otherwise I would have died in that bed in 1918 and never had the chance to meet her.

"How did he… save you?"

Of course she would want to know that. "It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us…" I had a profound respect for my father. "I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history. For me, it was merely very, very painful."

I could see the questions burning in her eyes and decided to explain further, but taking the conversation away from the specifics of the process. "He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff," I censored, I would not disclose the private details of Esme's untimely death. "They brought her straight to the morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating."

"So you must be dying, then, to become…"

"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice. It is easier he says, though, if the blood is weak."

"And Emmett and Rosalie?"

"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize until much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him," I added with a frown. "He was careful with his thoughts around me. But she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett." It was a relief to us in many ways that Rosalie's character was tempered by love, but Emmett had been a difficult newborn to say the least. We'd had to move regularly.

"She was hunting – we were in Appalachia at the time – and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." I had a new-found respect for my sister. I tried not to think of Bella joining me in this life, but it inevitably entered my thoughts. I knew I shouldn't want it. I didn't want it for Bella, but for myself… _No, I shouldn't think that way, it would not happen because I would not allow it_. Still, the thought of having to lose her... I reached out and brushed her cheek with the back of my hand that was clasped with hers, trying to bring comfort to my heart.

"But she made it," Bella persisted. I was chagrined by the optimism in her voice. _Don't you dare think of that, Bella. Please._

"Yes," I answered, "she saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school," I explained, not revealing that I had lived here before. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, _again_." I laughed. Rosalie and her weddings. Emmett went along with things to keep her happy, something I hadn't fully understood before Bella.

"Alice and Jasper?"

Now there was a different tale. "Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it," I explained carefully. "With no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another…" I struggled to find the right word for Jasper's connection with his maker, "…family. A _very_ different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."

"Really? But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."

"That's true. She knows other things. She _sees_ things – things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective," I elaborated. "The future isn't set in stone. Things change." I had managed to circumvent Alice's visions already.

"What kinds of things does she see?"

"She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us." An easy task for Alice when she knows what she's looking for. "She's most sensitive to non-humans," I said avoiding the word vampire, as was normal for us. "She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose."

"Are there a lot of... your kind?" she asked shocked, bringing me back to the present.

"No, not many," I answered. "But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people can live together with humans for any length of time." I peeked in her direction, wondering what she was making of my blunt words. "We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live… differently tend to band together."

"And the others?"

"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across others now and then, because most of us prefer the North," I explained as I pulled up in front of her house, cutting the engine.

"Why is that?"

"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" I teased. "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents?" It was a relief to be able to joke with her about these things. "There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years." I added more seriously.

"So that's where the legends come from?"

I shrugged. "Probably."

"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?"

"No, and that _is_ a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage," I concluded.

I was silent a moment as Bella was deep in thought. The silence was broken by a rumble coming from her stomach.

"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner." I realized, now mentally kicking myself for being so careless. From recent interactions I knew that Bella ate little for lunch, but now that darkness surrounded us as we sat in the cab of her truck, I knew that it was well past her usual dinner time.

"I'm fine really."

"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forget."

"I want to stay with you," she said, longing coloring her tone.

"Can't I come in?"

"Would you like to?" She sounded surprised, an unknown emotion fleeting across her face.

"Yes, if it's all right," I said as I climbed out of the truck and went to open her door, not hiding my speed as no one else was around.

"Very human." She smiled, no doubt referring to my chivalry. It was a trait of my time more than anything else, and nothing but the respect she deserved.

"It's definitely resurfacing," I agreed. Bella brought out the best as well as the worst in me.

I kept pace with her along the path but as we got to the door I quickly retrieved the hidden key I'd seen her use before and opened the door too quick for her eyes to see.

She paused on her way in. "The door was unlocked?"

"No, I used the key from under the eave," I answered.

She flicked on the porch light, squinting slightly as she looked up at my face, eyebrows raised questioningly.

"I was curious about you," I stated, tensing for her reaction. _Curious_ was the understatement of the century but would do for now.

"You spied on me?" she asked, a faint glimmer of a smile on her face. I'd expected anger.

"What else is there to do at night?"

She said no more and headed for the kitchen. I beat her there and sat in a chair at the table, the one I knew was usually occupied by her father. She stood stock still watching me for a long moment before busying herself with her dinner. I gathered from the look of it that it was lasagna and the smell of tomatoes and basil filled the kitchen sticking unpleasantly in my nose.

"How often?" she asked, standing with her back to me as she heated her dish in the microwave. Her tone was aiming for nonchalance, I thought. She fell short of the mark.

"Hmmm?" I questioned, as if I didn't know what she was referring to. I wanted to see her face. But she didn't turn much to my disappointment.

"How often did you come here?" she asked quietly.

Honesty. "I come here almost every night."

Now she turned and quickly. "Why?"

"You're interesting when you sleep. You talk."

"No!" she cried, blood rushing to her face, her knuckles turning white as she gripped the counter tightly as if for support.

So here was the heated reaction I'd been expecting at some point. I felt chastened by her tone. "Are you very angry with me?" I asked, knowing the current answer, but hoping for quick forgiveness as with the badminton incident. It embarrassed her when I spied, but I couldn't resist her pull, especially in her unguarded moments. I _was_ her stalker. Did it count if I loved her, if she loved me back?

"That depends!" she blurted.

"On?"

"What you heard!" she cried.

"Don't be upset!" I begged. I stooped so that our eyes were level and held her gaze when she tried to look away.

"You miss your mother," I said quietly. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too _green._'" I smiled.

"Anything else?" she questioned, her jaw tense.

I knew what she was thinking of, she dreamed of me and it was reasonable to assume that she would say something to give her away; she had on numerous occasions, much to my delight. It would also explain her acute embarrassment.

"You did say my name." I spoke softly.

Bella went a shade redder. Standing this close I could see the pulse of her blood rising in her cheeks. It had no greater effect on me than to make me want to soothe her.

"A lot?" she squeaked.

"How much do you mean by 'a lot' exactly?"

"Oh no!" she hung her head.

I pulled her to me. I knew we didn't have long as I could hear Charlie's mumbled thoughts as he drove home in the cruiser.

I bent down to whisper in her ear, "Don't be self-conscious. If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I am not ashamed of it." I yearned to be able to sleep so that I could dream of her in a reality where I was human and we could have a happy, normal life together. I ached to sleep by her side, sharing her bed and her slumber.

I held her until she heard Charlie's imminent arrival and she stiffened.

"Should your father know I'm here?"

"I'm not sure…" she struggled to answer. That was answer enough.

"Another time then…" I said and went to her room. I heard her call my name when I was already upstairs and let out a chuckle.

I settled myself on her bed now, satisfied to sit in her space. I hadn't dared to sit on the bed before. I listened to the events below. Charlie was his usual terse self in words, but he was worrying about her being alone all the time as he ate.

Bella was evidently in a hurry to finish her meal and Charlie noticed his daughter's distraction.

"In a hurry?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm tired. I'm going to bed early."

I couldn't decipher his exact thoughts but he was suspicious. "You look kinda keyed up," he observed.

"Do I?" Her voice cracked. She was scrubbing the dishes frantically from what I could hear. I hoped she didn't break anything.

"It's Saturday. No plans tonight?

"No, Dad," she sighed. "I just want to get some sleep."

"None of the boys in town your type eh?" he probed.

"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet." I heard the emphasis on the word boy that her father didn't notice, not that he would have known what to make of it if he had. Regardless, it was a sharp stab to think that Bella didn't want to tell her father about me.

"I thought maybe that Mike Newton… you said he was friendly."

I seethed with rage, muscles tensed. I wanted to kill that boy. I'd day-dreamed often enough of how I'd like to mangle that body of his, but to have Bella's own father suggesting that he… I growled low in my chest. I knew I was being melodramatic; everything seemed exaggerated now. But the green-eyed monster had me plainly in his sights and was painful to think of Bella being with anyone else.

Through the overwhelming fury, I heard Bella clearly, "He's _just_ a friend, Dad."

It didn't soothe my raging thoughts any, but I tried to calm myself as Bella took leave of her father and made her way upstairs. It was a strange feeling, waiting for her in her room. I had occupied the space for many nights but not with her awake. My wrath dissipated knowing she would be with me soon. _Me_, not that foul boy.

I was thrilled to be in her room, not as a sinister specter passing through the night, but as her guest, her… boyfriend, or whatever I was to her. It was true that I had not been invited to her room as such, but I wasn't hiding anymore.

Bella stomped up the stairs and into her room, closing the door behind her. I looked up expectantly, but she didn't see me in the darkness and rushed to the window calling, "Edward."

"Yes?"

Her heartbeat spiked and her breath caught as she spun around, gasping in surprise. Her hand went to her throat and she sank shakily to the floor. I hadn't expected such a strong reaction; they had been so carefully guarded all day.

"I'm sorry," I said, trying to contain my amusement.

"Just give me a minute to restart my heart," she choked out.

I moved slowly, careful of surprising her again and lifted her up to sit beside me on the bed. "Why don't you sit with me," I offered, taking my hands from her sides but holding one of her hands. "How's the heart?"

"You tell me," she said dryly. "I'm sure you hear it better than I do."

I laughed quietly, my body shaking with my mirth – she was catching on.

"Can I have a minute to be human?"

"Certainly," I agreed. I had made her miss lunch already. I needed to take better care of her, to learn her human habits.

She rose, still unsteady and turned to me with a mock stern expression. "Stay," she said in her best tiger impression. It wasn't very impressive, but it was _very_ funny. I clamped my lips together resisting the huge grin that threatened. "Yes, ma'am," I said formally and stayed as still as a statue, no difficult task for my kind.

Bella grabbed some clothing and a bag and left the room, banging doors in her wake. She wasn't usually this loud.

She went to the bathroom; I could hear running water and Bella rummaging around. She dropped something once and it seemed like she was hurrying, but it felt like she was gone an age. Sitting there in her room with only thin walls between us, hearing all her movements but not seeing her was torture. Having been so close today, the separation was almost painful.

Worse were my wayward thoughts. I found myself thinking what it would be like to join her; I wouldn't, obviously. There was a semblance of a gentleman somewhere inside of me. But my daydream took me there with her. I could hear the water of the shower hitting her bare skin and the sound of the soap as she lathered her… _No!_ I had to stop thinking like this. I knew where such a thing would end. _Remember how dangerous you are. Remember the risk you pose._

I thought I would lose my mind as I sat there waiting. It was a relief when I heard the ruffle of fabric of Bella getting dressed.

She ran down the stairs at a rate that had me fearing for her safety and wished her surprised father a rushed goodnight, serving to cultivate his suspicions rather than quell them, as was probably Bella's intention.

I felt a charge of excitement as I heard her come back upstairs. When she entered she was wearing the same threadbare t-shirt and sweatpants as the first night that I watched her sleep. My mind darted to the life-altering moment when she had uttered my name in her sleep. It had awakened my long dormant heart. She looked even more beautiful than she did to me then. I wouldn't have thought it possible.

"Nice," I breathed – a gross understatement.

She winced in response, not accepting my compliment and seemingly embarrassed by her clothing. That wouldn't do. "No, it looks good on you."

"Thanks." She smiled sheepishly as she joined me on the bed, sitting cross-legged.

"What was all that for?" I asked.

"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out," she stated simply. She was right. Just as she was saying the words Charlie was out front removing the battery cables from the engine of her truck.

"Oh." I acted surprised. "Why?"

"Apparently, I look a little overexcited," she dead-panned, but her embarrassment was obvious. She worried her lip with her teeth.

I reached out and placed my finger under her chin, gently guiding her face up to mine, freeing her lip in the process. "You look very warm, actually."

I closed the distance between us, laying my cheek against hers, feeling her warmth seep into me. My throat burned and my mouth filled with venom, but my skin sought her touch more fiercely. My lips tingled in remembrance of our kiss. I wanted nothing more. Of that I was now certain.

I controlled my breathing, monitoring my every reaction. I luxuriated in our closeness, her heat, the fragrance from her skin… "Mmmmmm," I moaned in pleasure as her body reacted to my touch. I nuzzled her throat, no longer afraid. I floated; drifting away in my love for her, in the blissful feeling of her warmth against me.

"It seems to be… much easier for you, now, to be close to me," she said, bringing me back to earth.

"Does it seem that way to you?" I asked, running my cheek across her skin. I moved her still damp hair over her shoulder and kissed behind her ear; a most delicate spot.

"Much, much easier," she breathed.

"Hmm," I murmured, enjoying my new found control that allowed me to get this close, but wanting to be closer still. My fingers traced her collarbone, memorizing the shape, the texture there. Every inch of her skin was flawless, but each area had a feeling of its own, a slightly different reaction to my touch: it was fascinating.

"So I was wondering…" she began.

"Yes?"

"Why is that, do you think?" she asked, a tremble in her voice.

_Why is that_, I mused._ Because I love you, Bella; because I can't dream of ever wanting to hurt you, no matter how much the monster in me craves your blood._

In all my long existence, I had never wanted anything or anyone in a way that I wanted Bella, every part of her. Her shy smile, her pretty blushes, her intelligent mind, her knowing looks, her pure heart and kind soul all making up the beauty that was Bella. But I thought that that truthful answer was too forceful for our very new relationship. _Relationship_… hm, I liked the sound of that…

"Mind over matter," I concluded.

She pulled back from me quickly, her heart hammering against her chest. I froze. What had I done wrong? Had I scared her somehow? She didn't look afraid. Maybe I was being too forward. Maybe I should not be kissing her like this… I didn't know what was normal in these situations. I just wanted to touch her. She didn't look angry at all, quite dizzy in fact. I relaxed minutely as it became clear that she wasn't running from me.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No," she whimpered, "the opposite. You're driving me crazy."

"Really?" I smiled.

"Would you like a round of applause?" she intoned sarcastically.

"I'm just pleasantly surprised," I explained. "In the last hundred years or so, I've never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with…" I faltered, not knowing how to phrase it, "… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at being with you…" I trailed off.

"You're good at everything," she retorted, clearly irked. I shrugged, laughing softly, unwilling to argue with her tonight. How could she be mad that she liked me touching her? I loved touching her, I loved her touching me, I relished anything she would offer me.

"But how can it be so easy now? This afternoon…"

"It's not _easy_," I admitted. My throat still burned and charred, my stomach still twisted in anticipation of a satisfaction that would never come. I now knew, with unerring certainty, that I could not harm Bella because I could not exist without her. "But this afternoon, I was still… undecided. I am sorry about that, it was unforgivable for me to behave so."

"Not unforgivable," she disputed.

"Thank you," I said sincerely. I felt the need to explain more and the shame of the words I was about to utter meant that I couldn't meet her eyes. In my cowardice I feared what I might see.

"You see, I wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" I picked up her hand placing it against my face, seeking comfort, though I knew I did not deserve it. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be… overcome – I was… susceptible," I explained as I drew a long breath, my nose to her wrist, to prove that I was now safe.

"Until I made up my mind that I _was_ strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would… that I ever could…" I struggled with the words. "Mind over matter."

"Wow, that was easy."

"Easy for _you_!" I corrected, a smile on my face. I reached out to lightly touch the end of her nose with the tip of my finger. But my playful humor slumped, because with all that I had achieved there would always be the threat of my vampiric instincts hanging over us. "I'm trying. If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave." – She frowned at me – "And it will be harder tomorrow – I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think."

"Don't go away, then," she said, her tone and sentiment an offering of solace and hope to my ears.

"That suits me." I smiled wistfully. "Bring on the shackles – I'm your prisoner," I said, as my hands trailed down her arms to capture _her_ wrists, so fragile in my grasp.

"You seem more… optimistic than usual," she observed. "I haven't seen you like this before."

I'd never _been_ like this before.

"Isn't it supposed to be like this? The glory of first love, and all that," I marveled. "It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?" I thought of all the romances that I had never derived much pleasure from, I had found them boring, not being able to empathize with the characters as I didn't truly understand their feelings. The things I'd witnessed in people's heads, the things they were willing to do for love, the way it changed their reasoning – now I understood.

"Very different," she agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."

"For example, the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies." Not to mention the number of human and vampire minds in which I'd witnessed the emotion, I had always found it petty. "I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…" I scowled thinking of the vacuous Newton boy thinking he was worthy of Bella. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"

"The day you started talking to me again," she said, nodding.

My expression softened. Yes, that was the day I had broken my resolve and spoken to her. Looking back now, I was glad for my weakness that day.

"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I had felt – I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I _tried_ not to care."

It was a relief to share this torment. I wanted to share things with Bella, to try to explain my abominable behavior back then. "And then the line started forming," I laughed.

Bella glared at me, reminding me of the expression she had on her face back then when her admirers were asking her out.

I still held her wrists in my hands and I rubbed circles with my thumbs. "I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure.

"That was the first night I came here," I confided. "I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was _right_, moral, ethical, and what I _wanted_. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry." The thought of that possibility still hung over me. Sharing my fears with Bella made me feel naked before her, but I wanted her to know me.

"And then, as you were sleeping, you said my name." I said, hearing the wonder in my voice. "You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed." I put my hand on her face and looked into her eyes intently. "The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer." I waited, letting her absorb the information.

"But jealousy… it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…" I shook my head in exasperation.

"I should have known you'd be listening," she accused.

"Of course."

"_That_ made you feel jealous, though, really?" she asked, incredulously.

"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh." _Everything_ felt stronger for vampires, the emotions that coursed through me now that I had met Bella were extreme. The love that I felt for her could not be held in a human heart.

"But honestly," she teased, "for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie – Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, _Rosalie_ – was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that."

I wanted to laugh. Rosalie, though I had grown to love her as sister, had nothing I desired. I was surprised she'd picked up on it, but I shouldn't have been; Bella seemed to miss nothing and I could understand the jealousy in her voice. "There's no competition," I said softly. I pulled her to me – chest to chest – wrapping her warm arms around me.

"I _know_ there's no competition," she mumbled forlornly against my chest. "That's the problem."

_Oh, Bella_. I was beginning to see how shortsighted she could be when it came to some things. I wished she could see herself as I saw her. "Of course Rosalie _is_ beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me."

I thought of how she'd altered me, how I'd blindly thought I didn't need a mate and how Esme's worrying had niggled at me from time to time. I had occasionally found it difficult to live with three sets of loving couples and I had to find myself an occupation in the night-time hours, often out of the house if possible. My vampire senses were curse enough – hearing thoughts could be brutal at times, and I didn't like to intrude.

"For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet," I explained softly. She was worth the wait.

"It hardly seems fair," she mused, her lips moving against my chest. "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?"

I shook my head in disbelief. "You're right. I should make this harder for you, definitely." I placed both of her wrists in one of my hands. It was easier like this, not having to worry about her actions as much. I reached up to stroke her drying hair, just like in the rain, it smelt better when it was damp and the smell of her strawberry shampoo enhanced the effect. Her hair felt soft under my fingers and I ran them through it from her head right down to her waist.

"You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on humanity…" I trailed off. I would not allow her to do that in the literal sense, but she would lose so much if she chose to be with me. "What's that worth?"

"Very little – I don't feel deprived of anything."

"Not yet," I said, trying to hide my pain. She was so young, as yet unaware of what life could hold for her. Human minds were so changeable; what she would want in a year from now, or even a month from now could be very different from what she wanted in that moment. As the grief seized me, I tried to reason that I would take what I could get; every moment she would give me, I would savor. I felt her try to pull back, but I held her fast. I needed to compose my expression before she could see me.

"What –" she began, but I cut her off. I could hear Charlie approach and I only realized at the last minute through his muted thoughts that he planned to check on Bella. I made for the corner of the room swathed in darkness where not even the light from the moon would offer any luminosity for his human eyes.

I held in my laugh as Bella almost lost her balance without me holding her up and whispered urgently, "Lie down!"

She searched for me in the darkness briefly, but lay down in her bed just in time for Charlie to peek his head through the door, casting a strip of light across the room. He was reassured by her presence, having thought that maybe she would have tried to sneak out even though he'd sabotaged her truck. I heard his thoughts quite clearly for once, _Goodnight Bells_.

Bella's feigned even breathing was unnaturally heavy. It made me want to laugh. I'd watched her in sleep often enough to know the difference, but her father didn't notice.

I went to her, climbing in the bed behind her and wrapping her in my arms. It was an exquisite feeling. The sensation of climbing into bed with her was indescribable. To be able do this every night… to lie beside her…

I needed to distract myself, so teasing seemed like the best option. "You are a terrible actress – I'd say that career path is out for you," I whispered in her ear.

"Darn it," she muttered dryly, but her heart was beating quickly.

I thought she would want to sleep now and so I shared with her the lullaby she had inspired by humming it softly in the darkness. I was elated at the thought of her drifting to sleep in my arms to my gentle singing, to be able to offer her such comfort, to posses such trust… I had never felt so content. Twilight had always been a melancholy time of day for me, but spending that time in Bella's company made all the difference. Now that the darkness had descended, instead of feeling the usual sadness at the ending of another empty day – I felt complete.

I paused momentarily, wondering if she would want me to do this. I had made so many decisions today without asking her, it made me feel less than gentlemanly. "Should I sing you to sleep?"

"Right," she snickered. "Like I could sleep with you here!"

"You do it all the time," I pointed out, slightly confused.

"But I didn't _know_ you were here."

"So if you don't want to sleep…"

"If I don't want to sleep…?"

I chuckled. "What do you want to do then?"

She was silent for a moment. I allowed her time to think and tried to contain my frustration.

"I'm not sure," she answered thoughtfully.

"Tell me when you decide."

I took the time to further acquaint myself with her body; the feel of her in my arms, the scent of her skin.

"I thought you were desensitized."

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet." I inhaled deeply. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia – it's mouthwatering."

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get _somebody_ telling me how edible I smell," she griped.

I laughed at how easily she could speak of such things and let out a heavy sigh.

"I've decided what I want to do," she said, changing the subject. "I want to hear more about you."

"Ask me anything."

She thought for a moment then asked, "Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you… _are_. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place." From the tone of her voice I imagined the little crease between her brows.

I thought my answer through. "That's a good question, and you are not the first one to ask it," I explained. "The others – the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot – they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been… dealt a certain hand… it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above – to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can."

She lay quiet and still for some time. I hoped that she could appreciate my efforts, at least see some virtue in my desire to be good. That desire had increased exponentially since I had met her. I had held myself above the human populace; jaded by the wearisome minds I had frequented for over eighty years. Bella, this spectacular creature – an angel housed in a delicate human body – had shown me how wrong I was.

"Did you fall asleep?" I asked quietly when she didn't speak.

"No," was her only answer. I craved to know what she was thinking, the constant question of, _What does she think of me now?_ running through my head. "Is that all you were curious about?"

"Not quite," she quipped.

"What else do you want to know?"

"Why can you read minds – why only you? And Alice, seeing the future… why does that happen?"

I shrugged. "We don't really know. Carlisle has a theory… he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified – like our minds, and out senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me." I shrugged again, I couldn't be sure. "And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was."

"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?"

"Carlisle brought his compassion," I said proudly. "Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness." I snorted. "Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him – calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift."

Again she took a moment to think before posing her next question. "So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on…"

Another unknown answer. "Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that all this could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal with the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?"

"Let me get this straight," she muttered. "I'm the baby seal, right?"

"Right," I laughed and on impulse kissed her hair. My mood changed the moment my lips touched her. The smell was divine; the feeling of her warm silken locks against my lips heavenly. Even if I was as damned as I thought, maybe I didn't need a place in heaven if I could be at Bella's side. I sighed.

"Are you ready to sleep? Or do you have any more questions?" I knew she would.

"Only a million or two," she retorted.

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" She needed her rest. I didn't know how many 'next days' I would allow myself with Bella, but I knew I would be here for the foreseeable future; I hadn't the strength or the inclination to leave. That thought comforted me, although I knew it should not.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning? You are mythical, after all." There was an edge to her voice.

"I won't leave you," I vowed. I wouldn't _tonight_.

"One more, then, tonight…" she said shyly.

I felt the warmth of her blush in the air. What was she thinking that would make her blush?

"What is it?" I asked, my curiosity flaring.

"No, forget it. I changed my mind."

_Is she doing this on purpose?_

"Bella, you can ask me anything." She still didn't answer and I could no longer suppress my groan. "I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and _worse_."

"I'm glad you can't hear my thoughts," she said stubbornly. "It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

"Please?" I used my most persuasive tone, regretting that she wasn't facing me as it hindered the full effect. I rolled my eyes. "If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something much worse than it is. Please?"

"Well," she began.

"Yes?"

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon…" she struggled with her words. "Is that…marriage… the same as it is for humans?"

_Oh_. That question caught me by surprise. I paused a moment, thinking through a response; at first I was saddened that I couldn't offer her _that_ type of relationship, but then I was overjoyed that she was thinking of me, in that way. My conversation with Emmett came floating back to me _I mean if you _love_ her… wouldn't you want to, well _touch _her…?_ I had known exactly the type of touching he meant and dismissed the idea completely. But wasn't I touching her now? In a very different way, yes, but was it that different? Maybe I could… No. I was so conflicted it was unreal; primal wants vying for satisfaction.

Somehow, I found myself me shaking with laughter. "Is _that_ what you're getting at?"

She squirmed and I could feel her unease. "Yes, I suppose it is very much the same," I answered when my laughter was under control. "I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires." Those desires she alluded to hadn't existed in me before – they did now.

"Oh," was all she said.

"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?"

"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…"

I stilled, controlling my reaction. I wasn't sure what reaction that was exactly. But I was taken aback; excited, stunned, and also _appalled_ – that was too dangerous. "I don't think that… that… would be possible for us."

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that close?"

I frowned. "That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident," I confessed. I moved my hand to caress her face delicately, minding my actions like I had explained. "If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake." I suppressed my shudder. "You don't realize how incredibly _breakable_ you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

I held my breath while I waited for her response. Her breathing was uneven and her heart beat quickly. "Are you scared?" I asked.

She didn't answer for a minute and I found myself wondering if vampires could be driven to insanity.

"No. I'm fine," she offered eventually. She didn't sound convincing but she didn't shrink from my embrace at all.

Her question triggered one of my own. I had often wondered if Bella had left anyone behind in Phoenix. I was almost afraid to ask the question, but I couldn't resist. "I'm curious now, though, have _you_ ever…?"

"Of course not," she answered immediately. Again I felt the heat of her blush whisper against my skin. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."

She sounded offended, which had not been my intention at all. I felt the need to explain. "I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."

"They do for me," she said adamantly. "Now, anyway, that they exist at all." She sighed.

I liked that all of this was new for her too; that just as much as I had never held a girl like this, Bella had never been held like this either. "That's nice," I said. "We have that one thing in common at least." It was the one area in which I was still innocent; innocent in my own actions, if not innocent of the minds of others.

"Your human instincts… Well, do you find me attractive in _that_ way at all?" she asked.

I laughed, stroking her hair playfully. It was almost dry. _Oh Bella, you have no idea what you've awoken in me_.

"I may not be human," I said earnestly, "but I am a man."

She was quiet, then yawned. I reasoned that it had been a long day for her. "I've answered your questions, now you should sleep."

"I'm not sure if I can," she said, but I could hear her weariness.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, planning to return when she was asleep.

"No!" she exclaimed loud enough to draw a grunt from Charlie in his sleep. I laughed at her enthusiasm and was more than a little pleased that she wanted me to stay.

I held her as tightly as I dared as she drifted to sleep in my arms, her chest rising and falling in my embrace. Her heartbeat pulsed through me, it felt like it was my own and in a way it was.

I don't know precisely how long I held her, my perception of time lost in the exquisite feeling. But I became conscious that my touch was affecting her body temperature and so started to move away from her, _very_ reluctantly.

She moaned softly and turned to face me wrapping her arm around my waist, sighing gently. I froze in place – she even wanted to be near me in sleep.

She breathed another quiet sigh. "Edward," she mumbled softly as she would often do in her sleep. But now she snuggled into me, her face on my chest, her hot breath literally warming my frozen heart.

"Yes love?" I whispered, stroking her hair, not expecting a response.

"Edward," she breathed dreamily, letting out a long breath, pulling herself closer to me. "I love you."

The world could have disappeared and I would not have noticed. I had no words that could express the emotions that coursed through me upon hearing those words.

There, in the small bed of the beautiful girl that I loved, I felt my life begin. There, in that midnight hour, my sun rose as Isabella Swan shone blinding light into my heart. And there, for the first time – graced with the love of an angel – I felt as though I may have a soul.

* * *

**Thank you for reading, I hope that you have enjoyed my EPOV. I liked writing him so much that I'm bound to write more at some point. Please put me on author alert if you'd be interested in reading it. Also, if you would be so kind as to leave a review it would be much appreciated – this newbie needs some feedback please.**

**To some ladies on Twitter who have been wonderful in supporting this little story ****–** ange_de_laube, sscana, odiejae, ladymystyque, gwenap and hongkongfooey73 to name a few – thank you so much. Also, thanks to songster for inspiration for the title of this chapter.

**Thanks to Project Team Beta for editing.**

**Rhian**

**xx**


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